This is my “I feel strong after yoga” face.
I went to the mall with my best friend and bought the hot but not top from Lululemon! And then we went to get lunch from this place called Seasons 52, where all of the food is grown locally, and the menu changes each season and everything is under 470 calories. Needless to say it was AMAZING. I had this summer vegetarian tastings dish which had a black bean taco, tofu with fruit, and asparagus, tomatoes and peppers :)
Then we went to the beach and I taught my friend some super basic yoga, and she really loved it which I was not expecting because she had been so against it! And then we just ran around and played tag like little kids, which was really fun actually. I just felt pretty free! And my brother took pictures because he loves to do that. My friend keeps asking when we can practice again, so I am SO super excited.
Basically it was just a great day :D
Here’s a shot of me, just chilling during the yoga practice. My brother didn’t take many pictures of the yoga sesh though, as he ended up joining in lol!
Well, I mean, of course every once in awhile I’ve felt at peace, but it’s only now that I’m consciously trying to keep myself in that state. Like I never stopped to realize how out of whack my emotions were, and how I let everything affect me. Even my eating disorder or self harming couldn’t bring me peace, it just made everything slow down. But now, although things are not perfect, I’m so much more at peace than I ever was before.
Last night, doing yoga while the sun was setting was so amazing. Just being one with everything, and not letting myself stress out about things I couldn’t control. I didn’t care about my body, or my crazy beach hair, or the fact that I need to contact my school etc. And it wasn’t easy, but so worth it. Today I’m still carrying around that peaceful feeling a bit. Like it was left over from yesterday. Tomorrow I’ll have to do something to replenish my inner peace fully, I guess.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it feels awesome to listen to me for once, and care about myself first. To focus on myself and be gentle with myself has made so much of a difference. :)
I had a pretty great day with my Mom and brother, we went to a bunch of different stores running errands, and I picked up Yoga Journal somewhere along the way. The only frustrating thing is that I know I haven’t been fueling my body with enough food, and I can feel it. It’s not enjoyable. I am so sick of this eating disorder, of this fear. I’m going to go snuggle with my dogs, read Yoga Journal and pretend that nothing bad exists as I drift off to sleep early tonight.
Love you guys xo
Yoga last night was perfect. And by perfect, I mean it was exactly what I needed. So of course I’m going to continue practicing today! Even if it wasn’t perfect though, showing up is what matters. I feel the same way about therapy. Showing up, being honest, and not holding back are what matters. Every session is not fantastic, or even good. But I show up anyway, because I want to be better, because I want peace. I’m definitely struggling right now with eating enough, but I’m still fighting. I’m still showing up and fighting.
When I am really in the throws of my ED, I don’t show up. I don’t participate in life. I stay alone, I feel alone, I am alone. But by showing up whether it’s in yoga, or eating, or therapy, whatever, I am connected to myself and to the earth and then, I am never alone.
Yoga is always exactly what I need. Honestly, the only time I feel at complete peace is when I practice. Tonight I tried a new, more challenging flow and I just feel really accomplished. I use my eating disorder to feel a sense of accomplishment a lot. I am definitely a perfectionist and gymnastics used to be my main focus of perfection. But then, I turned on myself and tried to perfect my body, not for health, but aesthetically, which for me meant being thin. And soon enough I had turned from desiring a perfect body to a perfect intake by my own crazy rules. I’ve never felt more accomplished than when I lose weight. That is, until I found yoga. Yoga gives me the opportunity to perfect patience, compassion, and love towards myself and others. Also, it lets me know that perfection isn’t necessary, and it’s okay to enjoy the process. I feel like yoga is an integral part of my recovery, and I am so thankful for that.
Okay, that ended up being longer than expected, but I just realized a lot right now and I wanted to write it all down! If you read that all, you’re just amazing
I haven’t practiced in way too long, and I think my soul has been trying to tell me that lately. I’ve just felt worse than ever, mentally. I have fallen back into a lot of old behaviors, and I haven’t felt the necessary motivation to pull myself out of them. So I’m off to practice yoga. Hopefully it will help.
Oh and before I forget, 3 positive things from today.
1. I went to therapy. It was tough, but I think it’s always positive when I go because I feel like I’m making some progress.
2. I picked up my brother from school and went out to dinner with him. It was nice to just hang out with him for a while without my Mom or Dad around so we can both be completely ourselves.
3. I snuggled with my dogs, which always makes my day brighter!
4. (okay maybe four positive things lol) YOGA TIME.
And by corner, I literally mean corner. I was allowed to have this little space in my backyard, and so I tried to make it as relaxing of a place for me as I could. I’m hoping to be able to go out there to calm down and center myself as much as I can. So this corner includes a bench under a canopy of trees (it’s hard to see how they hang directly over the bench from the pictures), a bunch of potted plants, some painted rocks and a space to lay out a yoga mat and go to town! Also, I’m pretty pumped that it didn’t cost much at all, all of the pots, rocks and the bench were all repurposed, fixed up or just found! :)
^ The corner! I’m still planning on adding a small table to the side of the bench, and making a pillow as well. I might even add some solar fairy lights to the trees above me!
^ The smaller side garden :)
^ The bigger side garden!
^ I took this while sitting on the bench, I just pointed my phone directly above my head, and this is what it looks like :)