I’ve been so absent lately.

I’m kind of in this weird in between recovery and relapse world. Here’s the run down on what’s been going on. I’ve been training my dog to be a therapy dog, we’ve been going to classes (with people!) and I’ve been going to adoption/volunteer events at shelters. I’m even opening an etsy and selling pet related things to help out a shelter near me, and I’m hoping to do some more in person selling too. I’m doing okay in school, and I’m not paranoid about classes like usual. A boy even talked to me for two hours and then asked me for my number and we’ve been texting a lot, which makes my heart all fluttery of course. And my eating has been really fine, I’m not even as anxious about it as I usually am. So a lot of great things are happening! At the same time, I’ve been self harming a lot. A lot, a lot. Not because of the stress of everything going on, in fact I’m loving everything that’s been going on in my life. I just feel this need to self harm and I’m having a lot of trouble resisting. It’s really frustrating, and I feel awful about it. That’s why I’ve been so withdrawn, I have a lot of trouble speaking up when I’m struggling. I just want to let you all know I’m a-okay, and I love you all, and I’ll try to update as much as I can. Stay strong. <3

So anxious about school tomorrow.

Which is absolutely stupid because I have no reason to be other than my anxiety makes me feel anxious about school. But in reality I have no reason to be nervous about it. Seriously, like none.

I need to focus on the moment, and just relax. Maybe I’ll watch some LOTR later, with a lot of tea c:

Does anybody else have a fear of food poisoning?

Nobody takes me seriously, but my whole life I’ve always been afraid of eating something that would make me sick. I mean I haven’t brought it up with my therapist yet, but I was just wondering if any of you had similar fears? 

TW just in case!

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I did a lot today!

Lol, I’m totally treating Tumblr like my diary, but whateva. 

So today I woke up with plans to go hiking, but the rain kind of spoiled that. So instead I decided to get some homework done so I went to multiple libraries with my brother (returning books, renewing cards) but none of them had the book I needed so we ended up going to Barnes & Noble. We got some homework done, and I ate an oatmeal raisin cookie. Then we stopped at REI and planned a million different camping/kayaking/hiking trips. It’s kind of my favorite store. 

Then when I came home, I learned how to weave bracelets with my Mom (so awesome). And I worked on Kaitlin’s painting for her dorm room!!! And then I watched the Hunger Games with my brother and Mom and our dogs, who I’m sure loved it a lot.

Eating was okay today, I’ve felt pretty out of control (eating too much) lately, but I just need to not restrict or purge, and just let it be. 

So hiking is tomorrow. And sunshine is tomorrow. And being outside and feeling alive is tomorrow. And it doesn’t matter what my body looks like. It matters what I do with my mind and my actions, and I need a working, healthy body for that.  

Also…

I have just been challenging my anxiety like it’s nobody’s business. I’m just going to take a moment to pat myself on the back by making a bulleted list of these accomplishments just for me to remember, so that’s what’s under this read more lolol.

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My ceramics class was AMAZING.

I learned how to throw clay on the wheel, and I made a bowl today! And it looks pretty darn fantastic, if I do say so myself. I can’t wait to glaze it and fire it, and take a bunch of pictures of me eating food out of it lol :) 

I’m pretty sure that ceramics is my new love. I took ceramics 1 a year and a half ago, and it was just sculpting, no wheel. And I liked it, but I love this. I really think I’m going to stick with it, I can just tell.

Aahhhhh. This semester is turning out beautifully so far. 

First Day of Classes.

Well, it can only go up from here, right? So sleepy.

I’m dedicating this semester to my health.

I’m committed not to starve myself, and not to be so mean to myself, or sleep all day and night. I’m going to enjoy this semester.

I’m going to go on hiking adventures, and eat enough healthy, good foods, and practice more yoga, and just not worry about everything. I’m going to join the environmental club, and go to the free yoga classes on campus. I’m not going to make classes my life. There is so much more to life than classes. I’m going to go to Ireland, and I’m going to keep in touch with friends. I’m going to walk my dogs and go outside.

These are just some of the things I haven’t done because of my anxiety and depression. But I need to work through it, because giving in isn’t making life better.

Health and happiness is a way better payoff in the long run. I’m just excited for all of life, I guess :)

Fairway!!

I went to the grocery store, Fairway, for the first time today and omg. It is food heaven. They have every single Larabar, Luna bar, Clif bar, anything bar, flavor. There are over 30 natural peanut butters, and a ton of other butters. There are so many fruits and veggies, and like every Amy’s meal ever created. And seriously like an alcove filled just with tea. I have never seen so much tea in my life. I ended up getting some pomegranate seeds, raspberries, bananas (all organic), some peanut butter, lavender honey, tea, the little Justin’s almond butter packets, fruit leathers, Annie’s bunny friends crackers, bread, and raspberry granola, oh and fresh lemonade! I cannot wait to go back! It was beautiful :,)

I’m making goals!

Attainable, real, goals! This is a big deal for me, especially because they’re related to unfamiliar social situations. Okay, so my two goals for this semester are to join the environmental/activist club at school, and to being taking the free yoga/Pilates classes at the schools fitness center. I really want to do these two things, not just to show up my anxiety, but for me. I, Kate, not the eating disorder, not the self harm, not the anxiety, I really want to do these things! I’m really determined. And I won’t let fear win this time, and keep me from enjoying my life.

I’m not exercising today.

I had it all planned out, to get on my treadmill and watch so much Grey’s Anatomy on netflix because I only let myself watch Grey’s when I’m on the treadmill. But I woke up today, and I didn’t want to. My body was saying, chill out. But my head was like YOU WEIGH TOO MUCH! BLARRG! 

I’m not working out today. And maybe I’m being lazy, but I’m trying to be positive about it. I’m seeing a really great friend today (hopefully) and I’m nervous about looking chubby. But one day of exercising isn’t going to change how I look. So I might as well make some jewelry, and watch television and remember that she is an amazing friend who will not judge me for my weight. 

Kate: 1/ED: 0

TW. I’ve reached a new low.

Purging in a gas station bathroom is probably the grossest thing I’ve ever done. Fuck this eating disorder. I wish I could just eat 5 small mozzarella sticks and 3 jalapeño poppers and accept that they aren’t healthy but it’s all I’ve had today, which is another problem. I couldn’t just accept that its not going to kill me if i just have some junk food. No, I had to purge in a gas station bathroom. I feel so disgusting. So, so disgusting.